Updated: Mar 27, 2019
Question - are you having AMAZING sex?
Or Not So Much?
Are you having mediocre sex, or no sex with your partner? Does your soul just cry out for deeper connection? For life-force activation? For something more than you are experiencing?
You are definitely not alone.
From my friends and clients I hear stories of not enough time to have good sex, or exhausting kids getting in the way, or that they just don't find their partner attractive anymore, or they find someone else more attractive, or their sex drive has dropped off, or they or their partner are scared of being intimate, some for clear reasons, many not so clear. So many reasons, all completely valid. We are all humans having human experiences. We are all stuck in different limiting patterns of different kinds. But when it involves your intimate life it can be one of the biggest shut-downs to your life-force.
I understand. I used to experience some of those things too.
Sometimes I still do. Like I said, we are all human.
But it doesn't have to be so. There are small things you can try to really make a huge difference to your experience. If you are happy with bad sex and a lack of intimate presence from your partner then hold tight to your story. If not, let's open out your world and write a new chapter that makes you smile and makes your whole body sing.
The trouble with a dimmed sexual expression is many-fold, but significantly it can lead to you loosing connection with your life-force energy and shutting down to your full sense of personal power. And although I am talking specifically about sexual and intimate contact with a partner here, this is happening entirely inside of you. You can connect to this powerful, super hot energy entirely by yourself at any time. And perhaps that is the point of all that I say here.
The really great news is that if you want things to be different they really can be, AND it really doesn't have to take years of therapy or a change of partner to get there, AND the even better news is that igniting the sexual spark between you and your partner really is down to you. You are in the driving seat of this personal sexual revolution.
I live in a world where to talk about sex, my body and intimacy is just a normal everyday thing. My husband and I have a deeply energetic and super hot partnership that means I get to express that side of myself fully and so does he. Sometimes we feel more connected than at other times and helping to open each other to pleasure, sexual expression and sensation that is part of the dance and commitment between us.
But life didn't used to be like that. Previous relationships were very different, and I've worked with hundreds of people who have come to me pretty shut down to their sexual essence. It's not at all uncommon, but here's some of the things that can really make the difference to couples who want to a create hot, loving sexual energy that can run through their whole experience together and in their wider lives.
7 Steps To Awesome Sex and Deep Connection
1. Invite your partner into the change game.
Obviously if you are in a relationship it would be nice if your partner would join you in the fun. If they refuse you have two choices: either leave them (not ideal - I am not advocating blowing up your life unless you absolutely know that is the right thing to do) or, alternatively, create change in yourself and hope that opens them in some way and brings them along for the ride (this is more possible than you might think right now!).
2. Know, that you are your sexual experience.
Live your whole life in devotion to your energetic and physical body. Sex doesn't just happen for 20 minutes in the bedroom, but in how you move through your day before you get anywhere near your partner. This isn't about overt sexiness, wearing skimpy clothes or flirting AT ALL. In fact it's about keeping all that lovely sexual energy very much inside yourself as a power source. It can be released as crazy hot sex, or a immense creativity or in a great presentation where you leave the room in awe of your presence, but only if it's not dissipated throughout your day. My husband and I are very strict on our energetic sexual hygiene. We don't leak it out but instead reserve that just for one another, and wow! that creates a super hot connection between us. Imagine a candle burning in your pelvic area. Tingling, gently warming, opening your body and sending those tingles rippling up your spine. Your life-source powerfully ignited all day long. Let it light you up. Be in it's allowing. It feels really good to be in your body in this way so enjoy all you can of it as you do what you do in your day.
3. Remember, no-one can give you an orgasm.
You are your sexual pleasure. It is also your responsibility to ignite it, not someone else's. If you don't know how to feel pleasure in your body, honestly, it's abusive to insist your partner should make it happen for you. Treat your pleasure with love and respect and curiosity. Your partner will love coming into the dance with you but they can't do anything at all if you are closed and unresponsive. Move well through your day. In the privacy of a candlelit bedroom or bathroom regularly masturbate, rub oils into your body, dance to sensual music. As a gift to your life-force. On. Your. Own. Then bring that energy into play with your partner. Open, open, open. Know how to find pleasure. A closed body and heart is not going to take you towards what you truly desire.
4. Set the stage for intimacy.
Regularly set aside time (anything from 15 minutes to hours) and start by making a commitment to 'Project Cosmic Sex'. Set the scene with candles and your favourite grounding scent. Maybe make a nest of blankets and cushions, or make the bed really beautiful. The predominantly masculine energy partner could take the lead on this one as predominantly feminine essence people need to let go of doing and responsibility in order to achieve a deep orgasmic state - surrendered without the amygdala and hippocampus becoming involved (for a little more on this see this article in the New Scientist). This cues the body into relaxing into the possibility of pleasure. All these things, an anchor for awesome sex.
5. Take time to see and be seen.
When was the last time you looked deeply into your partner's eyes? (Don't worry, for most people, the answer is almost never!) Start here though. Sit comfortably opposite each other, clothed or naked, whichever feels better to you and looking into the other person's left eye, gaze at them softly) and keep breathing!). To see and be seen is the greatest gift to yourself and to your partner, and opens the path to hot, sizzling connection later on. You may feel a lot doing this and that's ok. Be in awe of what comes up in you and what you see in the other. Try not to pop out of this even if it feels a bit uncomfortable. But know that for some practice is needed to be able to stay here and relax. This could be all you do. You are now a beautiful step closer to opening to receiving and being met.
6. Touch and be touched.
Your skin is the greatest organ in (on) your body. How often do you let it light up with touch from yourself or from others? Using your fingers, hair, feathers, silks, whatever feels good, gently brush your skin and feel the sensations. Let them turn you on. With permission, do the same to you partner's skin and allow them to do the same to you. Ask for more of what feels good. Keep looking and keep breathing. Stay connected.
7. Give what you want to receive. (with permission of course!)
This goes for all of life actually. It is very easy to moan about what the people around us are not doing or not being and to live into the pain of the deficit. This is really harmful as it leads couples to withhold so much in return. A vicious cycle. A great project is to give what you most want to receive. In relationship it could be a greater presence or gentleness, maybe just to be kissed a certain way or touched more. Gift it fully and beautifully to your partner and be open to the difference in what comes back.
And as a last little nudge, learn to give feedback artfully and beautifully and with love. Regularly praise: "There was a moment when you did this and it felt amazing". And ask for what you want more of. "I would feel even more turned on if you touched me like this" *demonstrate if necessary!*.
Really wonderful sex and intimacy is so much more possible than you could imagine. My partner and I make a practice of deep connection and energetic sexual arts, not as an afterthought but as the core to keeping our relationship and our individual bodies healthy and vital. I am passionate that you can do the same.
Note: There are many reasons why people are closed to their sexual potential and you or your partner may very well be experiencing things that need therapeutic help. If you suspect you this is relevant to your situation then please do seek out the help you need. I am happy to discuss this with you and see if I can direct you towards someone who can help. Just send me a message here.
I am passionate about how important it is to open into your fullest potential in this life. Please share this with your friends. Together we will start to change our experience and ignite the world.