What I want to happen and what is actually here are very often two different things. I wake in the morning in flow and with ideas of what I'd like the day to hold. Ideas of fulfilment and achievement, ideas of movement and self-care, ideas of love and connection and space and reflection.
And then the call of life comes telling me what it wants from this body, from this life-force today.
And because right now I am a city dweller, with all it's over busyness and crowdedness and concrete surfaces, I am not always in agreement with this. What is being asked of me may or may not fit with my desires. This week, more often than not, it feels like I'm not getting what I think I want.
And I'm getting older and time is telling me other things - Like my fertility is coming to an end as peri-menopause takes its firm hold on my body, like those grey hairs that want to mark the passage of my passing life by making themselves increasingly known, those crinkles on my face that are settling in more fully and that I look at with a deep curiosity of what stories they tell others of my life experience.
Things to be at peace with. Things that all have their own pace and time no matter what 'I' want.
And 'I want it' creates a tension that when I hold on to it is the difference between happiness and dissatisfaction. Actually it's like a pain, sometimes in my chest, sometimes in my throat. A constriction of actuality v/s desire. An internal battleground that is begging to be awakened and released.
So today I remind myself that what I want and what life wants for me are two different things. And I'm asking how much I can trust and allow what is here? My heart wants to want to write and create, but life is asking me to be practical and to make decisions about grown-up 'serious' things. These things feel like they are ani-creative, like they leave me dry and with less passion to bring to words.
But that IS life today.
So I am bringing as much passion as I can to those slightly boring (to me) things, and now to a few minutes for words, because now is clearly the time for them, because here they are. And I hope that maybe tomorrow will be the time for more of what innately nourishes me and gifts whomever may read it.
Or maybe I shall let go into the flow of what tomorrow brings in spite of what I want.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.